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EST OF MONDAY, AUGUST 5

Lots of photos to get lost in, questions to answer, answered questions by Fii, Leo considers the body’s edges and Jester considers the body in charcoal. Thoughts on how to preserve memories: home movies, scrapped together pages. Put on your favorite playlist and scroll.

Featuring work by

Leo Horton, Cailynn Johnson, Chau Huynh, Jester,
Cybelle Corwin, Runze Yu, Fii, Meli Ulkumen, & Jmale.

 
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Does anyone hate having their photo taken? I have this fear that I'll look worse than I feel like I do

i'm afraid of high school ending because i feel like i haven’t had enough time to do the things a high schooler should. my mother used to party in Juarez and sneak vodka over the border, flirt with the guards so they wouldn’t check under their seats. sometimes i drink wine in my room, alone late at night. i drink from a tea mug and wash it out before i go to bed. nobody notices because there are always so many bottles downstairs. thats as close as i've gotten but soon ill get closer. i wont let myself leave until i get it done.

i fear i wont ever fully step into who i am supposed to be. that there are people up in the sky shaking their heads at me. that all i can do is imitate others art.

i really want to reflect what i really wish to look like but i feel like it requires time and money that i don't have so in the meantime i'm going to keep wishing to be a different version of myself

I'm not sure who I am without the safety net of good grades

as a black woman in my field, i'm terrified of failure.


I keep dying & coming back to life with a completely different perspective than the last it's wild

I don't know if i have ever been completely happy. I'm sure i was when i was little but i cant remember that now. and i don't know if bursts of energy or times when i'm laughing or even think i'm having a good time means that i am.

I love manipulating men and would rather love an imaginary person than a real one

i always liked boys but i have met this girl and she is an angel and i couldn't fall asleep last night because i was laying in bed and thinking about her


I feel like I don't connect with people the way others do
It makes me feel like I'm broken/unfixable

I steal listerine tabs from CVS

sometimes i wish i was a different person but i guess a lot of people feel that way. and then i feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because people i love have it harder than i do in a lot of ways. i wish i could allow myself to be sad without feeling guilty

Healing from an ED is difficult. I seem not to see the end of it. But summer is delicious, my friends are sweethearts, my body is strong and always in movement. I don't know how to feel about it.

even if I don’t know if anyone is reading what I write, I feel better after I do. 

 

 
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I’m transferring out of college and created work with materials I’ve been hoarding for the past two years.

This felt like a step towards closure


 

 

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How to stop putting myself down every chance I get?

Recognize that you are not your thoughts but the vessel in which they occur. We all have a little demon in our heads, and some are just more powerful than others’, but that demon is not a truthful representation of you,  and you do not have to give it the power to control you. First you must learn to fight the demon. When that demon arises, the best way to combat it is to practice self talk (basically talking to yourself in your head, or out loud if need be). When that voice is being nasty, tell yourself “this is the demon in my head, this is not me” and combat it with positive reinforcement. Tell it is wrong. Tell it that it is a nasty demon that you don’t want to reside in your head any longer. Next, when that demon finally gives you a break, take that opportunity to practice scenarios in your head in which you know the demon often arises and write down the objective truths about yourself that it is trying to minimize. Now, this is all easier said than done, but with practising this self talk it will soon become habit and the demon will be more easily compatible. Overtime this practice will become second nature and the demon will no longer hold power over you but that is not to say other demons will not arise. As we grow and change we will hit more obstacles that may resurface old or create new demons in our head, but knowing your strength and ability to power through them will transfer these demons from soulsuckers to motivation. 

i love looking at other young people's creative work and it can be so inspiring but it also sometimes feels just so overwhelming and like my own creative work is not enough what can i do about that?

I strongly relate to this and am often feeling the same but I just remind myself of the purpose behind my creations and realign myself to it. Your creative work is unique to you and cannot be created or duplicated in the same way that you are creating. What it comes down to is to create for yourself without the self-imposed pressure of competition. What makes creative work the best is when it comes from a genuine place within oneself. It is a great thing to be inspired by your peers, but its is important to not take their perceived success as a threat to your own creativity. Creating is not competition, but rather a form of release and self expression. 


what is essential for personal growth in your opinion?

Personally, I think the most necessary thing for personal growth is self analysis. When analyzing the self we come to fully understand our needs and wants and the characteristics that define us. With this information we are able to assess whether or not these needs are being met, if these wants are beneficial to our growth, and if the characteristics that define us are the characteristics we want to portray. Once we have an understanding of the growth we’d like to see in ourselves, we can begin to look outward to define the attributes we find most admirable in humans generally and then make efforts to make them a part of our being. Without introspection, we do not know who we are or who we want to be. Without that knowledge I feel as though personal growth cannot flourish.


How can we appreciate our past without getting stuck in it?

Our pasts are very important to our current selves as they give us information about who we are and what we truly need and want in different scenarios, but you must recognize the importance of your past without dwelling in it. Your past is like a handbook for you to understand life and yourself better. Obviously, our pasts hold both good and bad memories, some of which manifest as trauma while others serve as a life lesson. When thinking back on the past, it is important to be able to decipher which memories benefit you in the present, and which can cause us to fall back on old habits and selves. We are not meant to go anywhere but forwards and the only way we can excel as our best selves is by staying present and taking everything in day by day. Some days will be harder than others, and we can find ourselves getting stuck in the past, but being able to recognize that those instances are done and you are a different person now, is a great first step. 


how do I get over this overwhelming feeling that my life will be better/more interesting in years to come and cannot now?

It is very easy to escape the present by projecting into the future, however your future is not going to be better or more interesting unless you make moves to make that happen now. You should use the future as inspiration. Who do you want to be and what do you want to accomplish? Use your projections of the future as a revelation as to what you should be doing in the present. It is insight into the self you hope to become but you must break that down into realistic ideas that you can implement now and work towards. By placing too much focus on the future, you keep yourself from fully experiencing the present, and without the present, the future is nothing. 

 

 

What do you think holds you back? (check any that apply)

 

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