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EST OF MONDAY, JULY 1
featuring work from: Emma Czerwinski, Cybelle Corwin, LavInia Woods, Jheyda McGarrell, Anne Symons, Paige MacCready.
by Lavinia Woods
It feels like forever since I've spent the day walking, exploring. These past three years of my life have been a haze, clouded by alcoholism and denial. If I wasn't drunk, I was hungover. My legs were constantly in a feeble state, unready to take concrete by storm. My eyes were inoperative, mainly due to the spins. My memory, robbed from me by a liquified man. Overall, my body felt fruitless. I know I have had walked, I have had explored...but it wasn't my walking or my exploring, it all belonged someone, or, more accurately, something else.
I am writing this being officially 7 days sober. Well, it's 4:14am currently so, technically, in a few more hours (just enough to make a full 24) I will be 8 days sober. It is a Tuesday. Last Friday I was released from a 5 day withdrawal program I admitted myself into where I wasn't allowed any personal items and wasn't allowed to go outside. Originally, I was going to write a piece on that: my experience at Bellevue's detox program. However, something happened today. Well, not today... yesterday. I walked. All day. I explored. Sober. There was no blur, no mist, not fog. My legs felt strong. I no longer swayed as I attempted to fit a cigarette between my lips. Despite it being summer in New York, I could finally catch a glimpse of breeze without the "drunk blanket" heating me up faster than the blazing sun.
It wasn't just that I was walking and exploring sober for the first time in what feels like forever, but I seemed to have walked into familiar territory. A particular neighborhood in Brooklyn I am far too intimate with. I've been there many, many times pre-substance abuse, especially during my high school days. I hardly entered this area since starting college, mainly due to exhausting my time there, believing that there was nothing left to discover within the perimeter but old memories. Nevertheless, I had just spent hours walking the very same streets, looking up at the very same buildings, and observing the very same kind of locals with what felt like a new set of eyes. Perhaps this is the "pink cloud" that comes with newly found sobriety talking, but the rollercoaster I've been on for the past four years (stimulant addiction 1 year, alcohol for 3) has had brought me back to not only the same streets in Brooklyn, but onto a good path leading to a bright future I last felt I had when I was 18.
I know sobriety is a bumpy road, but I am hopeful. Not to sound cheesy or trite, but life is an ongoing exploration, and I'm finally once again clear-headed enough to navigate the map. I feel strong enough to, just like King Arthur, pull my own Exacilibur from out of the stone and slay each and every demon that stands in my way. Maybe one day I'll write more specifically about my experience in detox, but for now I'll leave it to this.
Negrita Con Avena is a book of text, photographs, and scanned collages by Jheyda McGarrell. The book is a documentation and meditation on McGarrell’s Indigenous Mexican and Guyanese Identity. The publication will be on view at the MFA Brown Art space on Governors Island June 14-July 4th alongside 2 other publications, both of which can be viewed [ here. ]
click pages to enlarge & click through
You are understanding your place in your family lately, what you are to other people, what they are to you, and the dynamics are revealing themselves layers a little too deep. Remember that you are so many people to so many people, and you exist outside of a family structure and outside of a friend group and outside of a school setting. Give yourself time space and a new place to be in so that all of those pressures can be alleviated for just a little bit.
A whirlwind of fun sparked up and quickly spurted out and you are left feeling like your sugar rush isn’t over even though there is “nothing to do”. Channel that energy into creating something! Ditch your device for at least a week and you will be super surprised at how much you can accomplish in that time frame.
Things finally settled into a comfortable place, but your spaciness is not leaving you. Don’t expect it to, in fact dive into your daydreamy tactics right now. Building ideas in your mind for a few weeks is time well spent.
Physical beauty has been a topic on your mind lately, asking yourself what you value in those around you, what you value about yourself and what you see as beautiful. A few negative thoughts about other people’s bodies, faces, whatever have been surfacing, spend some time figuring out where those thoughts are coming from and eliminate that aspect.
HEY LEO! Super proud of you for trusting your gut and looking out for yourself lately. New people are coming into your life soon, even though you are feeling new waves of freedom, use your judgment in the same way you used people you just cut out of your life so you aren’t repeating the same damn patterns… we gotta rise above that.
A long lasting relationship in your life needs a mini makeover. The other person doesn’t feel as cared for or as special as you used to make them feel— and I mean you have been busy! So I get it! But make sure the other person isn’t misreading your time spent elsewhere as time you don’t want to spend with them. Your sensitivity detector is a little off right now so just checking in with people or simply saying, “I’m working on this right now, and want your support and understanding that my time is going to be spent doing that”.
You have been feeling mega self conscious lately in a way that you haven’t really addressed yet. It’s really easy for you to see the beauty and value in other people, along with imperfections, but for some reason when you face yourself you feel like your imperfections really outweigh your good attributes. Getting off social media, planning your outfits ahead of time, finding fun ways to work out, keeping a journal, and listening to a new genre of music will really help you turn around your thought process. Unfortunately people in your life are not really going to be receptive to hearing your current self consciousness because it is really unlike you, and they just can’t see what you see. Don’t take it personally! Just remember that you got you and you are going to get through this.
The low is almost over! And all this time you spent in your head is about to birth into reality. Be mega appreciative of every one that is helping make your dreams realized this month, or else you will come across as self-centered and indifferent. That’s my only real warning to heed, other than that, full speed ahead!
Change is afoot! BIG change! I know you can feel it and I also know that you are totally ready. Take at least a day to write out everything in your life that you have right now and are appreciative of, saying goodbye to it, and really letting it rest. Taking this time to create a personal ritual around it will let you transition into your next phase seamlessly, feeling as though you fully fully loved and learned from whatever it is you are leaving behind.
You are truly miles and miles and miles away from everything. Feels like everything in your life is behind a foggy glass window— if that makes sense, I mean I am sure you get what I am getting at. Remember that this fog will lift, and if you feel super along and isolated in this, there are great friends to be found in books, movies, museums. They might end up understanding you more than any friend you have right now.
Omg.. ok you are doing your thing… I’ll check back in later.
Time to go forth with putting a side of you out there that you often shy away from, or hide entirely. Even though you might get denied, it’s important to put = yourself out there in a way that is really uncomfortable. Criticism is inevitable but so is growth.
Breakfast for dinner and dinner at midnight and roadside strawberries for breakfast when we need to get out of the house early to beat the heat. Last night I ate a quarter of a cantaloupe for dessert with white wine that a friend had left in the fridge. Three days ago I made cabbage slaw to eat with plantains, beans + rice, and a little salad with baby greens and pepitas. We only ate half of the slaw and it gets better a day later anyways, so …
The next day we had a big salad tossed in olive oil with the cabbage slaw plus:
greens and pumpkin seeds, brown rice, chopped up veggies and leftover cooked veggies from a meal that had sat in the fridge for a few days.
Went to the beach and ate cherries on the drive home, finishing most of the bag, we had literally four left over so I chopped them for my breakfast this morning— which, you know— oatmeal itself isn’t the greatest but when you put a cherry on top... Do you get the picture though? Like everything else in summer, blurring together, drawn on and dreamy, we like to eat accordingly saving some of this to add to some of that.
I love toast, with anything/everything. Almond butter and honey. Avocado and dill + sauerkraut (maybe cook down some coconut cream until it’s thick and then put it in the fridge to cool and smash some onto toast too!).
Platters of veggies + grains: add veggies, spices + herbs to rice/quinoa/polenta or any other base and scoop into a little hill on your plate. Around the food add: sauerkraut, avocado, maybe some of that creamy coconut I mentioned having on toast!
SAUCES: For sauce you can play with flavors depending on what you like, but start with something sweet, something salty, something acidic/sour, and spicy too. Think… honey + tamari + lime + cayenne. Or tahini + lemon + olive oil… Then you can chose if you want a creamy sauce, something hearty, or something fresh. Add coconut milk, almond butter, or squeezed orange juice. Food potion.
add on a side salad
you can throw together with two or three ingredients,
maybe try: tomatoes + cantaloupe or cucumbers, beets and onions.
last week we said write 10 things… you said….
6.: chunky shoes
8.: smell of flowers
10.: coca cola rum
1.: my cat : tin tin
2.: my shared playlist with my best friends
3.: blowing kisses
4.: sitting on the roof
5.: chewy boba
8.: tasty pizza
9.: sad and happy times
10.: my mom
1.: i’m Tired
2.: The happiest I’ve been in a while
3.: Capitalism is a disease; I really want this new jacket
4.: Why doesn’t he reply to my texts warmly anymore
5.: Im lonely
6.: Everyday I feel anxious and content - rollercoaster of emotions
7.: I see you endlessly in my nights and the stains of you follow me throughout the day too
8.: Addicted to my phone but it gives me anxiety;turn it off four times per hour
9.: I am an oxymoron
10.: The happiest I’ve been in a while/it’s raining now
1.: too many cups of alcohol
2.: warm hugs from warm arms from a boy I love
3.: dollar pasta
4.: biking to arizona on a very low budget
5.: The source of self regard by tonight Morrison, teaching me so much
6.: my grandmother's taste in earrings
7.: my mom's blue eyes
8.: my boyfriend's smile
9.: kobuca squash roasting in the oven
10.: emotional vomiting
2.: 8 journals (so far)
4.: being alone
5.: the people that didn't leave
6.: 12 rolls of film (so far)
7.: plane tickets
9.: borrowed winter clothes
10.: kisses on the arm and stomach and cheek from kids
1.: Your face at 7:AM
2.: A negative pregnancy test
3.: Clay sculptures
4.: Stray bobby pins in my hair from yesterday
5.: Showers with mostly hot water and hardly any cold
6.: Paint brush bristles that have gone hard
8.: Not drinking 8 cups of water a day
9.: The different ways people wear scarves
10.: Loving random touches from people I love, hating random touches from anyone else
1.: Apple sticker collections
2.: A box of Photo Booth strips
3.: A frangipani tree in my neighbours yard
4.: The synchronicity of city crane lights at night
5.: The number 51
6.: Walking in a sun shower
7.: Orange juice
8.: Disposable photos that did not work
9.: 2am noodles
10.: the benefit of tears to your skin
1.: checkered dresses
2.: plane windows
3.: bucket hat
5.: dangly earrings
7.: buttered toast
9.: take-out food
1.: Little specks of dust in the sunlight.
3.: Mismatching earrings. Not for style but because I lose a lot of things.
4.: Exposing a months worth of film by accident.
5.: The Australian wildflowers blooming in the middle of Winter.
6.: My boyfriend seeing my armpits with hair for the first time.
7.: Olive bread.
8.: Pink soft chin pimples.
9.: Stain glass windows.
10.: A picnic on an overcast day.